#4

I kind of procrastinated three days to write my fourth journal entry, things that happened over this few days have taken a great deal of my emotional capacity. I have acquired the moment of greatest happiness of my life, as well as highest amount of separated instances of guilt. Luckily the positive emotion seems to have overcome stacking negative emotion, albeit my emotion chamber became nearly empty thus unable to sustain determination, or so I thought.

Quantitative Upper Limit of Guilt

Last Friday was very devastating for me, as in merely single day I have to handle four instances of guilt that could put me out of commission, if I didn't attempt to improve my mental strength since about half year ago. One assignment left unfinished on the due date; one assignment required discussion with other teammates to provide outline but couldn't get done on that day; getting asked for something that was a long delayed submission; and getting aware to be under practice for certain performance. I am not born to be a thick face person, but ever since me facing mental issues I slowly getting seasoned to endure self-shaming situation. I acknowledged the fact that nothing I can change for then present situation, only to remedy what I created in then future. I submitted the just due assignment later; I tried to take on some responsibility for not paying much work in a team; I submitted the long delayed stuff on that afternoon; and I tried to feel kind of bad, but without despair, so that I could learn humbly from my mistake and discordance with my performance partner. All in all, I manage to quit the night with a smile, because something very good happened the night before.

Friendship Initiation

On Thursday, just like everyday, I saw my crush doing his work quietly, yet I never speak a single word to him, and I sit on different table. We have been sitting in the same area for many hours, no matter how much I want to approach him, I just don't seem find a chance to do so, with my normal capability. I wanted to wait for an opportunity such that there's no empty table left, so I can make my way to ask him to share table; during dinner time, he went out too soon and I just couldn't able to find him to take dinner with him; at night, it's just too awkward to change seat suddenly. Everything just look like usual day, no matter how much I want to say a single hi to him it just way too difficult can others imagine. Yet when he took his bag to walk back to his hall, I tried to join him few seconds afterwards, and I tried to talk to him. Of course, that was actually like the worst opportunity of the day to start conversation, things went extremely embarrassing for me. I kept following him at the back, as I want to talk to him but every time I am close to him I just couldn't utter out words. Our distance was always kept quite close, and that's when I realise he didn't actually try to get away from me despite my behaviour is kind of weird. Well, we actually acknowledged each other's presence for very long time already, just there's no any form of communication. Right before we finished pass by-ing my hall, I finally attained enough courage to talk to him, and kind of explaining that despite situation was awkward I was not trying to do anything weird, but just to say hi. He replied with smile, showing his rabbit-like teeth, something cute and charming that I don't get to see most of the days as he was usually focus so much on his work. He continued the conversation, and I finally get to know his name, and he propose that we could study together, and greeted me with handshake using the finest hand I have seen on earth. There's nothing happened in 4 years in university happier than what happened that night.

Cognitive Power

I used to be pretty smart, unfortunately some event happened and rip through a huge chunk of my capability, before I enter university. Throughout these years I have been trying to figure out what have happened to my brain and what I can do to fix it, and often time hypothesis I made doesn't seem to work or I just didn't pressure myself enough to ameliorate (I am worried that maybe it could get worse); sometimes I just gave up totally, on good times I will be trying to improve my other skills instead, on bad times giving up basically means doom to my hope. Nevertheless, I have been through many kind of situations, and yesterday I kind of figure out what happened to my brain when I was suffering to complete my assignment. During my days trying to treat OCD by myself, I was trying to eliminate the feeling to conduct repetitive action every time it appears. It didn't work out well and my OCD apparently worsen, and I had to settle with help from medication. It did stop me from thinking about repetitive action, yet at the same time it could have stopped me to think repetitively on logic, which slows me down in solving problems or even when I am writing. It was an unfortunate side effect, but given my OCD was pretty much cured, I am currently trying to force myself to think repetitively and connecting thoughts that pass by my mind, as my mind keep releasing relaxation feeling that stops me from thinking effectively. It's hard, but I believe this should end my long term suffering.

#3

Connecting the dots

Firstly, I am glad to say that I am much more positive at the end of today, as compared to the two days before. I have been meeting with my group project mates today, whom I felt guilty over missing important meeting initially. As I apparent to be only joining the group during second meeting - or is there even more meetings happened? Not sure, but there had been some further discussion ever since first meeting using chats and docs - I am quite lost in discussion, not sure of what's my duty and what others explaining about.

I tried to ignore my guilt, tried not let it overwhelm my thought process, and this leads to good outcome. By listening to points delivered by other members, here and there, I manage to pick up important information and give minor clues and ideas. Nevertheless, what I provided is quite minimal at this stage, but at least I don't have further build up on guilt for not contributing at all, and actually having ideas in mind to actually help out my group. Very small improvement, but an improvement after all.

Bits, not chunk

I finally managed to convince myself to do thing bits by bits, instead of forcing myself to struggle upon sudden downpour of heavy workload. It is some long overdue stuff, but better late than never. It's very difficult to instantly write out the final draft in moment, so instead, I wrote down point forms, and making quite some number of points before expanding them. The latter job was not done today, as I only started to clear up my vision by the end of the day, and it is pretty late in night (I promised myself to write journal everyday to keep track of myself, so in long run it's even more helpful than nearer goal).

Such capability did not come by all-out force, but instead, it is some concept I made my mind to soothe my thoughts, as explained below...

Everything is formed by binary

Binary, according to what I know and I rephrase, is "to be" or "not to be". Everything is formed by binary, even thing as complex as emotion, which I always have hard time to control and utilise, are just complex function and high magnitude sequence of binary. Of course, to fully control my emotion is impossible, but instead, I tried to use binary to think about on and off of the route between emotion and action - it works wonder.

And what's even more captivating is that it seems to improve my emotion quality instead of degrading it, leading me to actually want to speak to my crush instead of just sitting afar. At the same time, I maintain logical sense not to do something overacting, and thought of actions that will never harm myself. Hence I still didn't talk to him today, but tomorrow, I shall try. 

#2

Weak

Easy 4 letters word to describe me. Physically weak, mentally worse. I wonder how incredibly I manage to waste 12 hours without doing a single thing today... Went to tutorial this morning, that's all, my whole afternoon is wasted. It's so, so, so hard to start a thing... even if it's close to due, or it's overdue; care by people, or ignored by people. I just can't... WHY? That's worse than general procrastination, as most people tried to finish thing before due date.

Is it me putting myself into too much relaxation? I had a stressed day the day before, yet I rested more than what should be enough. I am so toxic, not even music capable of saving my dying soul. In fact, I was diverted more attention into surroundings, and some over-read stuffs... Yet I just can't make myself calm my mind. Or is it my destiny is to do everything under stress? At the same time making other people connected to me stress? Everyone wanted to help me yet I can't help myself.

Fear

Funny, 4 years in university I developed weird fear. I am scare of messages, WhatsApp or regular SMS, and my phone was kept dead all the time. I am scare of emails as well, thus I couldn't help myself to start reading thousands of unread emails. That's totally bad, as how many important information deliver via these 2 methods. I kinda hope people to knock my door... well they don't do that in university (or secondary school, but we tend to stay close all time).

It's phobic, my heart races and my breathe weakened whenever I tried to read those messages. I had the worst phobic reaction when I read examination result at one time previously, can't stop grinding my teeth... Although the current phobia isn't that worst, but unfortunately it stops any form of motivation from building up.

Independent

This is still not a positive journal entry. I was suppose to find 2 to 3 group members for certain project, yet I was too late to do so because I didn't attend previous tutorials... I see some groups still have one slot, but, I am too ashamed to ask them for the seat as a person like me more or less viewed as free-seater (I admit I am). I should just do everything by myself, seriously, I always ruin a group project, or not being able to contribute anything... And it's probably better if I did myself, since by physical mean I am capable, and if my mental situation puts me out of commission, all that only affect myself, at least I'm not going to burden anyone.

I have enough of group, seriously, I don't think in real life people can form group by themselves anyway. I should just be independent, for real.

Prejudice

I read the post about using logos without permission, the people who broke the law is international organisation while the people who got their right stolen are NTU students... For some reason I just can't really stand with the victims. I have too much prejudice about arts today, feeling none of them really deserve much right... it can be too simple, too similar, too unnoticeable, even when I'm doing art myself, I kinda hope that such art field just completely disappear from the world... Just leave the world with words, that should be more than enough, right? Just like yesterday, I really have the sensitive flame burning on my forehead. Nevertheless, there are person who did things wrong, and by judgemental opinion of current days we know that no matter how silly your protected right could be, right is right.

...............................................................................................................................................

I probably have too much negativity today when I couldn't get my first step started right.

#1

Under-prepared

It never feels good to enter examination venue when you don't know what you don't know, and the past four years I have been pretty cruel on myself by not forcing myself attending lecture and tutorials, and have to learn everything from beginning like 6 hours before an exam. I don't even have the sharpest memory, or keenest information retrieving eyes; everything went miserable all the time yet I couldn't help myself to combat against such sickening procrastination. I have been relied on goddess of luck in many occasion, I believe this day it's probably one of my luckiest day. I literally do not understand a single word during pre-quiz discussion, what flies on the board are all the terminology unknown to me. During the quiz itself, the questions are rather open, allowing me to scribble down words that actually mean something to the examiners.

To be honest my guilt completely overwhelm my joy... After the brief hours of relief I couldn't help but think that how much better would I do if I actually studied for this exam, or throughout university years, yet I kept falling to my knee when facing my incompetence of running along with time.

Sensitive

I came across the news about fire cloud occurs near dusk today, at the same time I learnt that it was not the so-called fire cloud, but iridescence, and further amount of knowledge about it, from the strangers sharing post. Strangely, my forehead hurts, as if scald internally, when I read about their comments, stating that it's not good to spread false knowledge.

Nothing to do with me, not the strangers, not the news, furthermore I didn't even see the cloud, never stating it proudly as fire cloud myself... I just get burnt from knowing that someone is better than someone else out there. Weird, right? Maybe because I don't like the feeling of being corrected, and such feeling seems extremely easy to empathise (or imagined).

I am being really sensitive, I could even feel bits of tears gathering at the corner of eyes. But I believe that signify me being healthy, as I learn things way efficiently through such weird emotion. I have tried to negate my sensitivity in some times in these four years of university, which without it will allow better communication with others, but perhaps not with myself. I guess I have to take it as part of the weird me.

I wish

There's this particular guy who's always study in the same lounge as me, yet we never talked. To be honest, part of the reason why I stayed studying in the lounge is because I can see him. I am not sure is this kind of stalking... Couldn't help, but that guy has some of the strongest attractive force effective against me. Nice height, handsome, and has some of the sweetest voices - I never talked to him though, only overhearing conversation when he's with others.

I really wished I have the courage to say like a hi or something, but I really don't want to feel uncomfortable as well, as most guys will probably feel uncomfortable when they were randomly initiated conversation by other guys... We don't know each other, till now I don't even have a single hint about his name (Because I never peek on his stuffs, only his face).

Today we pass by, and I couldn't even look straight to his eyes, and as far as I know his eyes ignored my existence as well. We have been seeing each other too long, without any action to start conversation, thus ultimately we ignored as if we are a tree or a lamp or other decorations.

枕头记

宅男A今日难得出关，为的是寻得一个好枕头。

他对枕头没有特别需求，于是摆在枕头摊第一阵线，八块九毛的“便宜没好货”牌枕头，让他眼睛亮了起来。他把它抓起来揉一揉，抱一抱，想起了当年...

当年这个价钱买了一个枕头，没用多久就硬不起来了，接下来的一年都经常睡不好，所以才导致今天要买新枕头。

他抱着它在枕头摊走一走，走着走着没留意时间在流失着，沉迷在该买怎样的枕头的思考中，忽然被一阵洪亮的女中音惊醒：

“那个枕头不好，不要买！”

他望去声音传来的方向，眼前出现的是一个略胖的中年妇女摊长B。正当不善于沟通的宅男A想着如何应对时，身后传来一道微柔的男中音：

“对啊，你先放下枕头吧，我们这里还有更好的哦。”

是高瘦的年轻男子摊长C！被前后夹攻的宅男A，除了投降似乎也没别的办法了，只怪自己平时不出来多逛些。

“嗯嗯... 我是来看枕头的，让我自己看看就好，嗯嗯...”宅男A含蓄地回应。

“这个八块九毛的‘便宜没好货’牌便宜没好货，用不上多久就硬不起来了！你看看那边那个原价二九块九的枕头，是酒店等级的枕头，可以洗可以晒，可以用上五年哦！”摊长B强烈地首攻！

“对啊，而且虽然原价二九块九，现在购买只需十四块九，只需十四块九哦！要不你买两个，我给你打个九折，”摊长C突如其来地补刀！

“哦好好好好好，我买一个我买一个，两个就不用了，我用不了那么多，”宅男A凭着最后一滴命还击。

“没关系，第二个可以拿来抱啊！”摊长C再补多一刀！

“抱的我也有了...”

“要不你买个枕头套？你买的话我就扣给你哦！”

“呵呵呵，这个我也有...”

在旁观看了一时的摊长B，敲了敲摊长C的脑袋，对他训话起来：

“傻子，那些折扣你要怎么搞啊？从你工资那儿扣吗？”

摊长C像犯错的小孩一样，突然静了下来。不过，早之前当摊长B说明买“便宜没好货”牌枕头的下场时，根本神似宅男A的亲身经历。十四块九的枕头，对他说来也不太贵，决定买了下来。离开前，他偷偷地看其他的枕头有哪些模样，眼前出现了让他毛骨悚然的一幕...

二九九块...

在宅男A的家乡二九九块换成当地的前就快一千了啊，都可以买下洗衣机了。

宅男A压制不住好奇心，对摊长B问：“这是什么枕头，怎么会那么贵？”

“这个是 Memory 枕头，午觉时拿来躺一躺，就可以把之前读的东西全背下来哦！”摊长C插嘴。

宅男A心想：“我听你吹... 虽然真的是有 Memory 的字眼，不过那种说法根本不科学吧？二九九也反而太便宜了。”

摊长B解释：“你别听他瞎说，这个所谓 Memory 是指它的特殊布料，话说现在是卖五九块九，有大折扣，”

宅男A摸了摸二九九块的枕头，对他们说：“嗯，确实不一样，是能够记忆头形的枕头。不过我还是喜欢比较平常的，还是买那个扣成十四块九的吧！”

宅男A就买了个枕头开心地回宿舍了。

或许有人会问他，十四块九的肯定比八块九的值得多付六块钱吗？

他不知道。

不过，他知道，所谓的公道买卖就是，要骗人就要骗得安心，要被骗就要被骗得甘心。

生病

临晨两点，脸部热得似乎在冒烟，无法入眠。

今天，已经是第三天了。

生病什么的，最讨厌了。两个月内病了三次，都是伤风感冒的小病，但真的让人厌烦。就好象在游戏里，老是蹦出一些难缠血条厚的小兵，而且打败了似乎也不加经验值。虽然是小病，但它正好屏蔽了人们体会生活乐趣的感官。发烧让人感到疲累，无法尽情做想做的事；舌头也丧失些味觉，美味菜肴在口中如淡粥；喉疼让人咽个口水都困难。

问题出在哪了？好吧，确实缺乏运动，不过温室里的小花不离开温室的话，依然可以轻松成长。

问题，是出在温室里。

说起来，上个学期即使昼夜颠倒得离谱，也不至于病得那么频密。但自从这两个月来第一次生病后，似乎打开了循环结界，病好了又病。依我推断，应该是床上棉被枕头各种小伙伴，都隐居着细菌。两个月来没有帮这些小伙伴清清理，细菌们自然不会散。

看来以后生病后都必须将它们洗净啊。

初笔

《写》

我有一束微微的声音。因为世界太大、人太多，小小的声音容易被淹没，所以想把声音写下，让它在世间永久不灭。

《离》

我害怕吵闹，不是吵闹让我心烦，而是吵闹让我深陷孤独。我决定离开，好好感受自己的存在，比在人群中消逝好多了。

《向》

我有很多希望和梦想，远离人雾让我看清了方向。我知道人海中总有知音，只是我的声音太小。希望我朝着对的方向，能由远处传达心里那把声音。