Connecting the dots
Firstly, I am glad to say that I am much more positive at the end of today, as compared to the two days before. I have been meeting with my group project mates today, whom I felt guilty over missing important meeting initially. As I apparent to be only joining the group during second meeting - or is there even more meetings happened? Not sure, but there had been some further discussion ever since first meeting using chats and docs - I am quite lost in discussion, not sure of what's my duty and what others explaining about.
I tried to ignore my guilt, tried not let it overwhelm my thought process, and this leads to good outcome. By listening to points delivered by other members, here and there, I manage to pick up important information and give minor clues and ideas. Nevertheless, what I provided is quite minimal at this stage, but at least I don't have further build up on guilt for not contributing at all, and actually having ideas in mind to actually help out my group. Very small improvement, but an improvement after all.
Bits, not chunk
I finally managed to convince myself to do thing bits by bits, instead of forcing myself to struggle upon sudden downpour of heavy workload. It is some long overdue stuff, but better late than never. It's very difficult to instantly write out the final draft in moment, so instead, I wrote down point forms, and making quite some number of points before expanding them. The latter job was not done today, as I only started to clear up my vision by the end of the day, and it is pretty late in night (I promised myself to write journal everyday to keep track of myself, so in long run it's even more helpful than nearer goal).
Such capability did not come by all-out force, but instead, it is some concept I made my mind to soothe my thoughts, as explained below...
Everything is formed by binary
Binary, according to what I know and I rephrase, is "to be" or "not to be". Everything is formed by binary, even thing as complex as emotion, which I always have hard time to control and utilise, are just complex function and high magnitude sequence of binary. Of course, to fully control my emotion is impossible, but instead, I tried to use binary to think about on and off of the route between emotion and action - it works wonder.
And what's even more captivating is that it seems to improve my emotion quality instead of degrading it, leading me to actually want to speak to my crush instead of just sitting afar. At the same time, I maintain logical sense not to do something overacting, and thought of actions that will never harm myself. Hence I still didn't talk to him today, but tomorrow, I shall try.