I kind of procrastinated three days to write my fourth journal entry, things that happened over this few days have taken a great deal of my emotional capacity. I have acquired the moment of greatest happiness of my life, as well as highest amount of separated instances of guilt. Luckily the positive emotion seems to have overcome stacking negative emotion, albeit my emotion chamber became nearly empty thus unable to sustain determination, or so I thought.
Quantitative Upper Limit of Guilt
Last Friday was very devastating for me, as in merely single day I have to handle four instances of guilt that could put me out of commission, if I didn't attempt to improve my mental strength since about half year ago. One assignment left unfinished on the due date; one assignment required discussion with other teammates to provide outline but couldn't get done on that day; getting asked for something that was a long delayed submission; and getting aware to be under practice for certain performance. I am not born to be a thick face person, but ever since me facing mental issues I slowly getting seasoned to endure self-shaming situation. I acknowledged the fact that nothing I can change for then present situation, only to remedy what I created in then future. I submitted the just due assignment later; I tried to take on some responsibility for not paying much work in a team; I submitted the long delayed stuff on that afternoon; and I tried to feel kind of bad, but without despair, so that I could learn humbly from my mistake and discordance with my performance partner. All in all, I manage to quit the night with a smile, because something very good happened the night before.
On Thursday, just like everyday, I saw my crush doing his work quietly, yet I never speak a single word to him, and I sit on different table. We have been sitting in the same area for many hours, no matter how much I want to approach him, I just don't seem find a chance to do so, with my normal capability. I wanted to wait for an opportunity such that there's no empty table left, so I can make my way to ask him to share table; during dinner time, he went out too soon and I just couldn't able to find him to take dinner with him; at night, it's just too awkward to change seat suddenly. Everything just look like usual day, no matter how much I want to say a single hi to him it just way too difficult can others imagine. Yet when he took his bag to walk back to his hall, I tried to join him few seconds afterwards, and I tried to talk to him. Of course, that was actually like the worst opportunity of the day to start conversation, things went extremely embarrassing for me. I kept following him at the back, as I want to talk to him but every time I am close to him I just couldn't utter out words. Our distance was always kept quite close, and that's when I realise he didn't actually try to get away from me despite my behaviour is kind of weird. Well, we actually acknowledged each other's presence for very long time already, just there's no any form of communication. Right before we finished pass by-ing my hall, I finally attained enough courage to talk to him, and kind of explaining that despite situation was awkward I was not trying to do anything weird, but just to say hi. He replied with smile, showing his rabbit-like teeth, something cute and charming that I don't get to see most of the days as he was usually focus so much on his work. He continued the conversation, and I finally get to know his name, and he propose that we could study together, and greeted me with handshake using the finest hand I have seen on earth. There's nothing happened in 4 years in university happier than what happened that night.
I used to be pretty smart, unfortunately some event happened and rip through a huge chunk of my capability, before I enter university. Throughout these years I have been trying to figure out what have happened to my brain and what I can do to fix it, and often time hypothesis I made doesn't seem to work or I just didn't pressure myself enough to ameliorate (I am worried that maybe it could get worse); sometimes I just gave up totally, on good times I will be trying to improve my other skills instead, on bad times giving up basically means doom to my hope. Nevertheless, I have been through many kind of situations, and yesterday I kind of figure out what happened to my brain when I was suffering to complete my assignment. During my days trying to treat OCD by myself, I was trying to eliminate the feeling to conduct repetitive action every time it appears. It didn't work out well and my OCD apparently worsen, and I had to settle with help from medication. It did stop me from thinking about repetitive action, yet at the same time it could have stopped me to think repetitively on logic, which slows me down in solving problems or even when I am writing. It was an unfortunate side effect, but given my OCD was pretty much cured, I am currently trying to force myself to think repetitively and connecting thoughts that pass by my mind, as my mind keep releasing relaxation feeling that stops me from thinking effectively. It's hard, but I believe this should end my long term suffering.