Wednesday, 22 February 2017



Easy 4 letters word to describe me. Physically weak, mentally worse. I wonder how incredibly I manage to waste 12 hours without doing a single thing today... Went to tutorial this morning, that's all, my whole afternoon is wasted. It's so, so, so hard to start a thing... even if it's close to due, or it's overdue; care by people, or ignored by people. I just can't... WHY? That's worse than general procrastination, as most people tried to finish thing before due date.

Is it me putting myself into too much relaxation? I had a stressed day the day before, yet I rested more than what should be enough. I am so toxic, not even music capable of saving my dying soul. In fact, I was diverted more attention into surroundings, and some over-read stuffs... Yet I just can't make myself calm my mind. Or is it my destiny is to do everything under stress? At the same time making other people connected to me stress? Everyone wanted to help me yet I can't help myself.


Funny, 4 years in university I developed weird fear. I am scare of messages, WhatsApp or regular SMS, and my phone was kept dead all the time. I am scare of emails as well, thus I couldn't help myself to start reading thousands of unread emails. That's totally bad, as how many important information deliver via these 2 methods. I kinda hope people to knock my door... well they don't do that in university (or secondary school, but we tend to stay close all time).

It's phobic, my heart races and my breathe weakened whenever I tried to read those messages. I had the worst phobic reaction when I read examination result at one time previously, can't stop grinding my teeth... Although the current phobia isn't that worst, but unfortunately it stops any form of motivation from building up.


This is still not a positive journal entry. I was suppose to find 2 to 3 group members for certain project, yet I was too late to do so because I didn't attend previous tutorials... I see some groups still have one slot, but, I am too ashamed to ask them for the seat as a person like me more or less viewed as free-seater (I admit I am). I should just do everything by myself, seriously, I always ruin a group project, or not being able to contribute anything... And it's probably better if I did myself, since by physical mean I am capable, and if my mental situation puts me out of commission, all that only affect myself, at least I'm not going to burden anyone.

I have enough of group, seriously, I don't think in real life people can form group by themselves anyway. I should just be independent, for real.


I read the post about using logos without permission, the people who broke the law is international organisation while the people who got their right stolen are NTU students... For some reason I just can't really stand with the victims. I have too much prejudice about arts today, feeling none of them really deserve much right... it can be too simple, too similar, too unnoticeable, even when I'm doing art myself, I kinda hope that such art field just completely disappear from the world... Just leave the world with words, that should be more than enough, right? Just like yesterday, I really have the sensitive flame burning on my forehead. Nevertheless, there are person who did things wrong, and by judgemental opinion of current days we know that no matter how silly your protected right could be, right is right.

I probably have too much negativity today when I couldn't get my first step started right.

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